All That Matters (Red Light Ladies #1) Read online

  “I wasn’t going to tell him. I just don’t want to get talking about things that are forbidden,” she replied uncomfortably.

  “This entire fucking life is forbidden,” I replied with a dry laugh. I placed the cigarette between my lips and lit it, inhaling deeply.

  We sat there silently for a moment as I flicked ashes onto the floor. I glanced out the window that sat behind Betje’s bed and wondered if she was out there somewhere in the busy city of Amsterdam.

  “Did you love her?” Margit asked softly.

  “No.”

  I inhaled deeply again and flicked more ashes onto the floor.

  “Then why did you do all that? Purposely degrade the others with words?” she asked.

  “Because she’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a best friend.”

  I blew out a small succession of smoke rings and watched the last one drift into the window. I chuckled slightly and turned my attention back to Margit.

  “I’ll tell you my story then. There was this boy that I loved. Well, he was a man, but for all intents and purposes of poetic love, I’ll call him a boy.” Inhale. Exhale smoke rings. Ash on the floor. “So anyway, I didn’t know what love was until Theo. That was his name, by the way, Theo. Could be because he caught me early on in my life. We were teenagers when we met, high school kids. Early on high school kids. I had suffered a substantial trauma for a consecutive number of years before I met him and I remembered how big and strong he looked to me and how I felt like he could protect me from it ever happening to me again. I had decided that I wanted him; not as a lover at first, but as a bodyguard of sorts. Of course, I didn’t tell him that until after the first time we fucked. See, by that point I was already in love with him. His arms were the safest place to be and his kisses always tasted like wild honeysuckle. His lips and eyes were always soft, and he never once raised his voice to me in anger. I needed that more than anything and I like to think that he needed me more than anything.”

  I cleared my throat and looked back out the window, hoping she wouldn’t see the single tear that was rolling down my cheek.

  “Lieve? You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want too,” she said softly.

  “I know,” I replied wiping away the tear and taking another drag of my cigarette. “But now that I’ve started, I want to finish.”

  “Go on,” she said in a comforting voice.

  I smiled at her briefly, “I fucked up. Plain and simple. But it wasn’t because I wanted too; it was because I had to. See that trauma I was talking about? It started when I was about seven years old and lasted until I was eleven because that’s when puberty hit. She was my piano teacher; yes I said she.” I took a deep shaky breath and closed my eyes tightly. “She taught me how to use my fingers on the piano and then she used her fingers on me. For four fucking years, that bitch would sexually abuse me every time I went to piano lessons and told me that if I ever told my parents, they would hate me forever and then I would have to live with her. And I believed her. So imagine my surprise about twelve years later when Theo and I are at an art gala reception in Woodland Hills and the “artist” just so happens to be her. Oh and the best part? She didn’t recognize me but apparently had been a friend of Theo’s family for years. That kind of set me of off into my downward spiral. He didn’t know of course, because I never told him that it was her. I mean, he knew what had happened to me and he knew that a woman had done those things to me, but never did I tell him who it was. I know it sounds really fucked up that I was raped by a woman, but it’s what did happen to me and it’s what does happen to some girls. And now here I am.”

  I threw the cigarette onto the floor and used the bottom of my pack to crush it out. I picked up the butt and stuck into my pack, using my feet to kick away the ashes. As long as I remembered to put the cigarettes back into their hiding place, Kerstan wouldn’t be able to prove that I was smoking in here even in he could smell it. Fresh tears rolled down my face again and I irritably wiped them away.

  “I’m sorry,” she said sympathetically.

  “For what? Because I’m crying? Don’t think I’m shedding a single tear for what happened to me as a kid. I’m not a pity me type of girl. The tears happen whenever I think of Theo. Whether I want them to or not,” I explained getting to my feet.

  I walked over to the closet that we kept our “work clothes” in and opened one of the doors. I reached toward the back and jimmied one of the panels until it slid over and I was able to reach in further to grab what I was looking for. Moments later, I was dressed in an off the shoulder t-shirt and a pair of denim shorts. I pulled on a pair of silver reflecting Ray Ban sunglasses and stuffed the cigarette pack into my back pocket.

  “Can you hand me the shoes underneath my bed please?” I asked Margit. “Just pull up the panel and reach in.”

  She stared at me for a moment. I knew what she was thinking; that I had special privileges, but the truth of the matter was that I became a genius at hiding all of this shit and an even bigger genius at making myself feel like I was alive on the days that Kerstan wasn’t on the property. I rolled my eyes at her suspicious glance and went over to my bed and grabbed my shoes, before setting the panel back and slid them on.

  “I’m going out into the gardens for a bit. Do you want to come with me?” I asked her.

  She shook her head slightly and went back to her side of the room. I watched her silently wondering if she had plans of ratting me out, but I stopped caring as quickly as I began to wonder.

  I walked out of the door without so much as a backwards glance. If Margit wanted to stay in the stale room that smelled like sweat, fear, and the occasional cigarette, that was her problem.

  I left her in the room and walked quickly down the empty hall. We were located on the third floor which made the staircase an impossible option, so I learned how to open the window at the end of the hall and lean out the opening toward the giant tree that grazed against the home. I shimmied my way down to the freshly cut green grass and ran toward the gardens. If Kerstan wasn’t here, which I prayed he wasn’t, then I would have at least an hour outside.

  My favorite spot was a stone bench that sat in the shady side that was home to the multicolored pansies. They were small and beautiful and made me the happiest.

  I pulled my cigarette pack out of my pocket and placed it between my lips. I leaned my head back and soaked up the peeking rays of the sun, inhaling the scent of the gardens deeply, before lighting the end and putting the lighter back into the pack, before setting it next to me on the bench.

  Flicking the first round of ashes onto the ground, I reached under my sunglasses and gingerly ran the tips of my fingers over my left eye. At least it doesn’t hurt anymore.

  I’ll never know what got into me that day that I was out in the gardens, and I’ll never know for sure just how long I was asleep on the bench. The only thing I knew for sure was that after Kerstan came back from wherever the hell it was that he went, and found me asleep outside of all places, I was in deep shit.

  As for Margit ... I never saw her again.

  Three

  Four days and two new girls later, I was sitting at the large banquet table inside the home. My face was almost completely normal again and Kerstan decided to let us all stay in for the evening so we could get to know each other. I couldn’t help but chuckle at this ludicrous dinner. As per custom, we were all topless while he entered the room wearing a baby blue dress shirt, a black vest, and black slacks. And shiny black, obviously expensive, shoes. Even his tie was black and all I could think about besides the fact that we looked like a fucking gangbang waiting to happen, was that if I could get close enough, I could probably choke him to death with that tie.

  But I relented and instead sat there with my elbows on the table, and my chin in my hands. The other girls sat around looking completely nervous as he sat down.

  “Etiquette, Lieve,” he said as he unfolded his napkin.

  “Seriously Kerstan? I’m here t
o fuck whoever you tell me to so you can get your money back. I’m pretty sure they don’t give a shit about my table manners,” I replied rolling my eyes.

  He stared at me for a moment, a small sinister smile crossing his lips. “They may not, but I do. Elbows off the table.”

  “Or else what? You’ll punch me in the face again? Get rid of another girl that I started to become friends with? Get rid of me, perhaps? No. No, you wouldn’t get rid of me because you know how much money I bring in for you. Speaking of which, so the new girls here know that you play fair, tell me again, how many more fucks do I owe you before I get out of this hellhole?” I asked defiantly.

  Kerstan set his napkin down on his lap neatly before folding his hands in front of him looking at me in amusement. I could feel the tension and smell the fear on the other girls. I personally knew that he wouldn’t do much more to me because that would keep me out of his book and I’m sure that my regular “clients” had been requesting my company.

  “Lieve, why do you test me?” he asked.

  “Because I don’t see you out there fucking off a debt. Oh did you guys know that I’m working off someone else’s mess? Yeah I was dumb enough to stay with a family that I thought was doing me a kindness. I came back one day and boom! My shit was out in the street and I wound up staying in a hostel, that I’m still convinced is owned by that one,” I said jerking my thumb in his direction.

  “Lieve, you’re excused,” Kerstan said in a stern voice.

  “Maybe I don’t want to leave,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back against the chair. “Maybe I think I deserve an answer first.”

  You know that expression about playing with fire? Well the look in Kerstan’s eyes told me that I was teetering at the edge of a volcano with molten lava waiting to swallow me whole. But he didn’t lose his temper and he didn’t get up from his seat. Instead he leaned forward and clasped his hands on the table before answering me.

  “Just one big one that you’ll never forget.”

  What the hell does that mean?

  “Of course, you’ll continue to work until that one is ready for you. I can’t have you getting rusty, though I will allow one month’s rest before you are to satisfy the arrangement so that you tighten up,” he finished with a smirk.

  I stared at him. One more with a bunch of little ones in between. Why am I not surprised? But if that was the case, then I shouldn’t have to “work” anymore until that one was ready for me.

  “Can I object to that? I mean, if there’s only one more then why don’t you give me that rest starting today and then I can get it over with,” I said reasonably.

  Kerstan laughed as he reached for his glass of blood red wine. He took a hearty drink before setting it down and looking at me with his evil eyes.

  “You misunderstand, Lieve. You will not be going out to work until it’s time. You’re now going to be mine to use until the final encounter is set,” he replied.

  “Y...yours?” I stammered in shock.

  A somewhat sinister smile crossed his lips as he took another drink from his wine glass. He held my gaze as he set his glass down and nodded. Then he turned his attention to the rest of the girls in the room, new and seasoned.

  “Does this answer your questions, dames? Do not think that what Lieve must do is something you will all endure. What you will do is work off the debts owed to me and then I will let you leave. But let’s not speak of business anymore; instead let us enjoy the feast that I have planned for you all. The food will arrive shortly. Speak amongst yourselves until then,” he said in a faux pleasant tone.

  As the girls quietly started speaking amongst themselves, I found the courage inside of me to do something that we were never allowed to do without permission. I got to my feet and I walked down the length of the table with my chair, and sat it down next to Kerstan. I folded my hands in my lap and thought carefully about the words that were going to come out of my mouth. And about the gleaming blade of the sharp knife that sat by the plate at his setting.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” I asked quietly. “It seems like this is more of a personal vendetta than a debt.”

  “Would you like some wine?” he asked, holding out an empty glass. I watched as one of the older grandmotherly women (who I assumed to have been indebted for quite some time now) came forward and filled the glass with red wine.

  He handed me the glass and I set it down, my eyes lingering on the knife for a moment. If I kill him, I’ll be stuck here forever. I know it, I thought tearing my eyes away and looking at him.

  “I never did much care for blonde hair,” he said absently as he took a hand full of my hair gently in his hand. “Would you mind terribly changing it for me?”

  “Kerstan,” I said pulling my hair out of his hand, “Just let me do the final fuck. Please. I want to go home.”

  “Reduced to begging, are you? I thought you were stronger than that, Lieve. I thought you had more will than becoming a beggar,” he replied with a smirk. “But to answer your request, my answer is neen. This is not something you can bargain your way out of. You will wait until the appropriate moment and in the meantime, you will be my seksspeeltje. Understand?”

  I blinked back bitter tears. I had no idea what the fuck that meant, but I sure as hell understood the word “neen.” He had yelled it enough times in frustration with some of the girls that used to be here.

  “I’m going to my room. I’m getting dressed and I’m going back out to the gardens. I will be smoking and actually, I’ll be needing a pack soon. If you want me to be your seksspeeltje then I expect some perks. I can tell that there will be no way out of this than to go with the flow. So allow me some small comforts,” I said getting to my feet.

  Kerstan cleared his throat and drank the rest of his wine as a small group of elderly women came out with trays of food. I eyed the small feast hungrily as they placed tray after tray down, uncovering it and revealing all of the delicious meats, fruits, and various gravies.

  I had to put a hand firmly on my stomach to silence the low grumble that escaped. Here I was trying to be a big bitch and my insides were giving me away.

  “I want my name back. I want to be called Amity in this house since I no longer have to go out and fuck for you. Also, I want Betje back. Those are my terms,” I said putting my hands on my hips.

  Kerstan finished putting a couple of thick slices of roast pork on his plate, before setting down his fork and knife. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and got to his feet.

  Whatever happens, don’t be scared, I told myself, trying to give him a level stare.

  “Come with me,” he said, taking me by the elbow and half dragging me out of the massive dining room.

  We had only stepped into the hallway outside the dining room but for some reason I still didn’t trust the situation. If he hit me again, I was going to rip his hands off.

  As Kerstan closed the door firmly behind us I looked around the room seeing if there would be anything I could use to protect myself.

  “Lieve –”

  “Amity,” I corrected firmly.

  He chuckled and dug his hands into his pockets. “Amity; there are some things you must understand. Once I trade a girl I cannot get her back. Betje is out of the question. As for your name, if you wish it, I will address you as Amity in private, but in front of the others, you are Lieve. I don’t want them to start to riot over simplicities. Because you are mine for the time being, they will already resent you for not having to out and work. Do we have an agreement?”

  Of all the things I wanted back more than my own identity was Betje. It would be the only way I knew she would be safe and sound. When I get out of this shit hole, I’ll find her.

  I stuck my hand out to confirm our agreement. Kerstan gave me a half smile as he took my hand in his and shook it firmly. As I attempted to pull my hand away, he pulled me against him with a sudden jerk.

  “When I’m fucking you, what do I call you then?” he whispere
d into my ear.

  I closed my eyes as my body reacted to the softness of his voice and the strength that he used to keep me against him with one hand. Oh God, how is that I hate him but ... parts of me wants this? Stop reacting! I mentally screamed at the “come fuck me” senses that were tingling deep inside of me.

  Kerstan finally let me go and gave me an amused look. I knew he could see my nipples standing at attention because I couldn’t exactly hide them. I also couldn’t hide the beginnings of the pool in my panties, so I turned and ran.

  Back to my room.

  Away from Kerstan.

  I locked the door behind me tightly and laid down on my bed. I slid my hand into my panties and immediately began to rub with my clit. The small amount of dominance he had just shown had thrown me into pure fucking mode and I had to cum, STAT. I slid my fingers in and out of myself, rubbing my clit faster as I felt it starting to tense up. When I finally came, his gorgeous face burned into my memory and wondering what someone who owns a place like this was sexually capable of, I felt myself die a little on the inside.

  Four

  I didn’t leave the room until the next day. Most of the girls had been sent out on “dates” and I was too embarrassed about having finger fucked myself to thoughts of our “pimp” to even look at any of them.

  “Are you okay, Lieve?” a small voice asked once the room was almost empty.

  I had been lying on my side staring at the wall. I can’t say that I was ashamed of myself really, I mean like I said before, different circumstances presented, I would’ve fucked him already, but ... This shit is getting too weird for me.

  “Lieve?” the voice asked again.

  With a heavy sigh I turned on my side and sat up. Crossing my legs underneath myself I looked at the young woman sitting at the end of my bed. She was looking at me with concerned doe eyes; light brown to be exact. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail and her face was flawless.

  “What’s your name?” I asked her.